My Life, Dreams. Wants. Can't Have,,,,

is it so bad to want the things i do?

im kinda simple. im not that complex, im not mysterious, everything i have someone knows about. i want things that i am able to get but somehow i always find myself doing things that are too ambitious for me, or too great for me.

i did running start you know? i didnt want to i still dont really want to be in college, i've always just wanted to be a housewife, but not i guess im destined to be a teacher.

i want to take a year off school, work, maybe do some volunteering. but no. wsu in the fall for me, trapped for two more years then i get a job. my life is planned nothing new, nothing i want to really do.

im not sure i do know what i want to do. i want to travel the world, i want to help people and do fun things. things only one in a million get to do. i want to live in italy for a year, i want to meet the man of my dreams, i want to have three children. i want to write for my friends, let them read my work, and be content with my life.

i want to wake up in the morning and not have to worry about my dad and his back, not have to worry about my mom adn her stress, not have to worry about the emotional strain my uncle puts on my whole family, not have to worry about what and how my sister is doing, not have to worry about my brothers emotional state and the ongoing bitch fest between him and my dad. not have to worry about if my grandparents are going to be able to get their retirement and go to Arizona like they want to, not have to worry if Kristy and Rachel are doing okay, doing okay in school, adjusting to their mother being gone, to not have to worry if my cat is in the house getting in trouble or out on the streets afriad and possibly being hit by a car. I dont want to have to worry about getting my college degree in time to make my family happy, i dont want to have to worry about my friends graduating on time, i dont want to have to worry about kelsey, if she has a place to stay if shes not in jail, if shes pregnant or not, i dont want to have to worry about if im really going to get a date to prom i want to go with, i dont want to have to worry if LM is doing okay with his current social situation.

i mean i know the whole world doesnt need me to function or take care of it all, but for some reason it happens to feel like that all the time.

what i really want, i mean really really want, is to do good in school, graduate, spend this summer volunteering at a summer camp, i want to learn to speak italian fluently to go there on my honeymoon someday, i want to get a good date to prom, i want to look and feel amazing at prom and graduation, i want to make friends whereever i go, i want to find the one i want to have three children and a SUV, i want to live in a house with a wraparound porch and a tree in the front yard, i want a dog and i want June, i want to see my brother and sister be successful in life, i want my mom to get her nursing degree and go on to do what she loves, i want my parents to get the health care they need and get back on their feet moneywise, i want to be able to move my house around once a year! i want to go to my kid's dance practice, music practice, or sports games, i want to attend parent-teacher meetings, i want to go to my sister and brothers' weddings i want to watch kristy and rachel to grow up to be the amazing women i know they will be, i want to see my uncle stop being a stingy piece of shit dad/brother/uncle and man up and take control of his life, i want to be able to read a book a week again, i want to make minimum wage working only while my kids are in school, i want to watch food network and make meals for my family! i want to try every flavor of vitamin water there is, i want to paint my walls before i move out!

i know though i will settle for much much less :/ i guess its something i will have to deal with, people deal with much less. i'm going to be fine though. :)

while im still dreaming,

kristin fort.