dancing in the moonlight

I always feel like I'm drowning in my life. I lost what i was reaching for and now i dont even have the decency to keep my hand in the air. I hate who i have become and the people i've lost along the way.

I wish someone before me had helped me choose my path, but ive never had a leader or a role model or someone to look up to and to lead me. This whole running start shit is a big hole in my existence. I missed out on so much because of it and now i never feel like i have closure, i've lost so many friends, and missed out on so many expieriences it's ruined by life, and if you think that that is stupid then you obviously have never tried running start and had peice of shit friends that couldnt keep up.

Now i'm stuck at the big U while everyone is off at community college. I'm stuck at a local University which is completely stupid, i see everyone else going off to stay at the college, and thats all i ever wanted since i was young was to stay at the school i'm going to, and once again i have to miss out while everyone is going the way i want to.

And not only that, but all my friends are paring up, getting engaged or married, and having kids, and they're all 21, MY LIFE, everyone is living my life, I'm really afriad that i might not get married, or have children, im starting to get old. i've always wanted to have my first child by the time i was 20 and thats probably not going to happen, because i promised byself i would know my husband for at least a year before we got engaged, so unless i meet the one tomorrow thats not going to work.... and once again i'm missing out on the life i planned, maybe if i had stayed in highschool i might of made it work out with him, but now i'm so far ahead of him theres no way.

which is another valid point, i'm never going to make things work out between us, and its so stupid because i love him so much still, almost as much as i did when we first got together, and the fact that he doesnt even remotely harbor the same feelings towards me makes me feel like a useless peice of shit.

which i am i guess, i have no credentials... i havent gotten my AA officially yet... i havent officially declared a major... i have no boyfriend... i dont drive.. ive never had a job.. i dont do anything but wake up at miserable two in the afternoon and go to bed at four in the morning. then take naps from about five till seven or eight depending on how i'm feeling. Im just a useless sack.

until i'm feeling better... ttyl.

kristin m. fort