feeling helpless and unhelpful

feeling helpless and unhelpful?

im feeling awfully unhelpful right now. my ex boyfriend LM, who i've tried to remain friends with, is having trouble with his social life, this is all i can gather. he's playing third wheel to a girl that is litterally perfect for him, and one of his friends. i secretly think he likes her however i dont think he'd admit it to anyone or to himself. he says they had an arguement and now their friends are somewhat taking sides in a sense....doesnt that sound familiar? want to know why? because thats what happened with him and i. only he's on the side i was on. the loosing side you can say.

i feel for him truly, i know what it feels like to have the ground pulled up from under you. going from having everything, to having nothing, hardly enough to sustain you. when he and i broke up it was as if i felt that i was the lame one, the one that wasnt good enough for everyone. that he was the cool one and i was just an accessory. i lost everything in those weeks and i feel truly bad for him because i can see he's going through the same thing. i dont want him to follow on this path of lonliness, anger, and sadness, and sometimes fear.

These are the times when i wish i was worth a shit to give him advice. LM is feeling lonely. and i feel truly bad, i want to help him get through this, and i want to be a good friend, give good advice and show him that he is a good person, but its becoming impossible trying to back-burner my feelings for him. its impossible not to just be there as a friend for him and i fear that i could do so much more and help him and make him feel better about the situation but i'm holding myself back. or maybe its that i am scared to get too close to help him. i'm afraid that he will find out i cant offer him advice and i cant heal his pain. i hate to see him suffer. but there's so much i can and can't do....


On that note i guess i should talk about how i'm feeling helpless. it dawned on me today that im almost an adult. can you believe that? i'm not ready. you would think i would be, but i'm not, i'm scared shitless. i put on a brave front for my family, you should hear my mom talk, sometimes i think she thinks i can do anything, but there is so much i can't do.

Idk how many of you know this, but my greatest fear is that i will never have children. isn't that a row? everyone asks, what do you want some yapping, crying, pooping kids for anyway? the truth is, your children will love you, and you can love them unconditionally. they care, they are affected by you and the things that you do. maybe since i get too attatched to those i love a child would be perfect. if i had a child, i would do anything and everything in my power to make that child happy every day of its life.

i'm afriad i'm not going to find that person out there for me. i'm afriad my expectations are too high, or i'm not good enough, pretty enough, i'm not the right shape or size, my hair isnt the right color, i dont wear the right clothes, i'm not educated or smart enough, i'm not funny or clever enough. I already even told my mom i'm not going to prom because i know i can't find a date. how sad is that?

this all goes back to what i said about CBC...it's destroying my life in a way, ruinign the way i think and see things, ruining my old friendships. i always dreamed of looking stunning in a pink dress on prom night and having an awesome night. a date, a limo, a dinner out, maybe even an after party. but i know i'm not going to get that. i guess i've kinda accepted it. who wants to go to prom with a 210 pound racial confused 18-year old who loves her cat more than any of her friends. whose life ambition is to be a mother. who actually wants to be one of those hold housewives that cook and clean and take care of the kids.....there's no one i know to go with anyways...no one who doesnt already love someone or have a date....

i dont think i'm going to find anyone who loves me back...i lost the only man who made me feel completely happy with myself. who made me feel beautiful in everyway and was there to stay with me for the rest of my life...i threw it away. you know, things might not have worked out, but if they did i lost it....idk just feeling a little down right now. maybe its all this LM stuff you know? i can't help him, why do i think i can help myself?

things might turn out. they might not...i guess i have to wait and see. i try to stay positive day by day. i'm trying to turn my life around. but idk, it seems like it's me against myself...and damn am i one hard opponent.

until tomorrow my loves.

- kristin fort